Friday, September 21, 2007

As much of Cornwall as you can stand!

The Cornwall Times-Dispatch
Volume 34 Issue 7
September 22, 2007

Chief of Police Mandates Superhero Training as Condition of Service.

Todd Hazard, Chief of Police since March 2007 – wants you to know that nothing bad is going to happen on his watch.

“Ever since I’ve been in the force, I’ve felt, and recently come to the conclusion that the only way to effectively fight crime is to require our officers to participate in Superhero training classes as part of a way to make our communities safer, and remove the need for us to use our firearms as a method of defense.”

Hazard, 39, says he was inspired to make the change after a late night viewing of “X-Men United.” While the tradition for officers of the law is to carry a firearm, most commonly Glock 9 MM pistols, Hazard says the new mandates will eliminate not only the need for an officer to carry a weapon that could possibly be used against them, but to allow them to experience complete and total protection against shots fired, stab wounds, blunt force trauma, and animal bites. As an offensive measure – Hazard says the superhero training will allow the individual to tap into mystical powers within, allowing officers to fell criminals from a distance with no force whatsoever, instead freezing them in a “paused moment in time.” This will allow the officers to stop criminal activity in an instant and provide an opportunity for cuffing, arrest, and transport to the station, without any trauma. Hazard insists this is the most humane way possible, as the subject will go from committing a crime, to safely in a holding cell without becoming a danger to him/herself or others. Once inside the cell, the individual will un-pause, and will suffer no lack of memory, amnesia of arrest, other problems. The subject will remain coherent at all times.

Hazard also has spoken to town supervisor Kevin Quigley regarding the training for Highland Engine Co., and COVAC, as well.

“We feel that the superhero uniform of cape and hood will provide excellent protection for those of our community brave enough to offer emergency services to those in need. The ability to walk through fire, over water, and fly will no doubt make Cornwall the most desired community to live in the Northeast. Not to mention the supreme strength offered, we could eliminate our need for the Jaws of Life totally!”

Hazard, with his boyish good looks and small-town charm insists this won’t change his personality in the slightest, and citizens can still call upon him for even the smallest of problems – such as lost bicycles and kittens stuck in trees.

While pulling on his dark blue cape, Hazard remarks, “I still want Cornwall to know that I’m the “Peoples’ Chief. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for the community. This won’t change that.”

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Cornwall Times...Scallion?

The Cornwall Times-Dispatch

Volume 3 Issue 22, September 11 ,2007

Local Man of Nuisance Annoyed by “All These Damn Punks”

Cornwall Local man of nuisance Brian Masterson is fed up. “I can’t stand these damn kids taking over the town! It’s about time that they got the whoopin’ they deserve! The cops ain’t no better, they won’t let you go nowhere!” Complained Masterson, 56, on Friday to the Times-Dispatch. While picking through the dumpster behind Key Foods searching for discarded aluminum cans, the Cornwall resident for the time being drew a hasty conclusion of the youth of the town, upset over the lack of places to “sit a spell and have a smoke without being spit or swore at by a little bastard on a skateboard or kicked out of the playground by the damn cops. ”

This is not the first time that a resident of Maplehurst Inn, a residence for those in hard times and with a few spoons short of a dessert set has complained about the youngsters of Cornwall misbehaving in ways that make even those who are routinely shooed off the street by the Town of Cornwall Police Department for picking through the residents trash, peeking in windows, and many acts of public urination – wary to sit and have a tall, warm can of malt liquor on the sidewalk on Sunday afternoons.

The examples that have set off this recent spur of nervousness include the notification of police by concerned parents, lack of Tops tobacco and rolling papers in DB Mart, residents keeping a closer eye on their trash cans, and incidents of the town police preferring to allow the children to continue to walk unabated during daylight hours without fear of harassment by people like Masterson.

“I don’t know what the world is coming to these days!” Says Masterson though the tip of a recently discarded, re-lit Winston found nearby in an ashtray. “By the way, you gotta dollar?”

New Cashier at Key Foods Tired of Stares from Old Bags

Cornwall Maybe it’s her electric blue, spiked hair. Or the fourteen piercing in her ears, lips, nose, and navel (not shown.) But the one thing that Kellie Braughnam is sure of, she’s pretty tired of all the “old bags” in Cornwall giving her stares and questioning glances while at her 8:25 AM to 1:45 PM shift as cashier at Key Foods Marketplace.

Braughnam’s ordeal with the new found looks of question and concern of the status of the youth in town today began when her mother and father – Maryann and Ellis Braughnam, demanded that their otherwise free spirited daughter “get a job” after becoming tired of Kellie’s various legal problems and family name destroying incidents due to non-stop anti-establishment shenanigans.

“She’s under the assumption that we don’t understand her need for freedom of self-expression.” Says Maryann, 48. “But she’s got to understand, just because we are older than her and say, enjoy an evening of listening to Elton John and watching reruns of Murder She Wrote doesn’t mean that we can’t sympathize with the overpowering need for her generation to break out of their shell. I understand that it’s the hip thing to do now, to be as dark and scary as possible. But to be perfectly honest I’d side with her more often if it was about a just cause like, the war in Iraq or global warming. To me, the fact that the Dung Beetle (Blue Beetle) is only open for four hours a day is not a good reason to rip your skirt and stockings to pieces.”

Kellie, 16, is not happy about her parents strictness and is awfully tired of being the brunt of jokes about that “odd girl in the store.”

“I swear, like, if I like, see one more old bag looking at me, I’m gonna wig out or something.” “I’m just trying to express my, differentness or whatever – like Wendy O. Williams or Debbie Harry…now, those were some tough chicks right there! They just don’t understand my need to rage against the like, opposition to my artistic and anarchistic viewpoint. I’m so sick of the establishment trying to keep us youth down and stuff.” Said Braughnam on her fourth cigarette break of the day.

Her cries of displeasure over the lack of acceptance for her wild hairstyle and choice of clothing were met with lukewarm reaction by her manager, Peter Dymczynski, when asked if there was a general disapproval in young Braghnams appearance by the majority of Key Foods customers. “I’m not sure that Kellie is understanding of the clientele we have shopping in this store. Most of these older people are set in their ways, and are somewhat nerve wracked by a youngster, especially one with holes all over her face. To be honest, the only reason why she’s still employed here is because she can work on Saturday and Sunday morning because of that whole graffiti on the school thing…” said Peter referring to Kellie’s court appointed and strictly enforced 8 PM curfew due to a an arrest involving spray painting “HOLE RULES!!!” on the side of Willow Avenue elementary school. “Otherwise we’d have someone a little less…crazy looking on her shift so we wouldn’t get so many complaints.” Says Dymczynski, “If she just toned it down, or for that matter could come to her shift once in a while without a new home-made tattoo, I’m sure we’d feel more comfortable in her presence here, and maybe even give her a full time position.”

Until then, he adds, “I guess I’ll just have to keep encouraging her to wear long sleeve shirts and to stop sticking her tongue out at people.”

In Brief

Dog, Squirrel Attacked by Local Skunk

Barkley Kingman and Nutshell T. Squirrel were

attacked in what was not the first in a long line

of spraying incidents late last Saturday night.

According to residents off of Laurel Avenue,

the smell became unbearable and it was obvious

that something “had the shit hosed out of it”

around 11 PM. Other signs of mischief were

scattered in the remains of what appeared to be

an upset trash can, torn apart by some sort of

animal, residents said. Barkley is in stable

condition after a sudden and urgent tomato juice bath,

given by his owner Tommy, a crossing guard and

local sympathy gainer. The whereabouts of Mr. Squirrel

are still unknown. No charges have been filed pending

further investigation. If you have any information, please

contact Detective Phil Sinagra at 555-2556.

Busybody Wonders What the Hell Mail Man is Doing Now

Byung Choi Kim, 84, openly wondered what the hell his mail man, James

Michael Koho – is doing now. Mr. Kim had become agitated after he

spotted Mr. Koho leaving a package inside the front door of his neighbors home

on Thursday. “He drinks and smokes all day long, this scallywag. Then he delivers the

mail and tries to take liberties with people on the porch…talking nonsense that no one wants

to hear.” Says Koho, “ I’m used to it from Mr. Kim, he’s always been this way. Besides, if I

didn’t get badgered by people like him on a daily basis, I’d have no reason to drink as much as I do.”

Mr. Koho has been delivering mail for the United States Postal Service for 21 years.


Last seen near Golf Course on August 22, 2006

Answers to the name of Chi Chi, owner heartbroken.

Please call Amber Martinez at 555-4616 if you have any information.